I just found puke in my bra..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
