I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
