the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
