I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
