Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
