why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
FUCK WHALES
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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