Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
