Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
