tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
