I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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