His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
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Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
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I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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