If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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