Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
