Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
