dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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