don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
