I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
