I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
