I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
