Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
