You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
