so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
