Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
