remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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