Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
no, he came in my armpit
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
