Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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