Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
