I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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