I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
