I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
