Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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