Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
