i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
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He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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