guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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