i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
