Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Come share oat with me in your robe
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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