you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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