Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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