I am puke
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
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Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
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I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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