Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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