First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
