problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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