We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
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She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
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Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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