I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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