Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.