John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?