and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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