If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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