My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
