she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You are a genius and a whore.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
