New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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