I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
