apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
