Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
