i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
