When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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